Thursday, January 10, 2008

well just so you know, i've been trying to meet the ZZzzz monster for the past few nights. however, i failed to do so except for the last part of the day in the wee hours near the break of dawn. i think i can count the no. of hours i slept for the past 3 days using both of my hands. face it, i've been suffering from insommia the past few nights.

well i've been sleeping or trying to sleep with puffed eyebags and red eyelids. maybe its a good time really, to have had a good cry at the start of the year. so that i can be made broken for God to reveal greater things to me. perhaps it is truly, a season of intimacy with God. to know who He really is, to hear and obey, to fear Him so that i can choose to love Him.

sometimes having others to help me surface my own emotions really make a difference. things which i don't want to see myself as, things which i don't really wish to hear yet they bring truth and light in.

lately i discover that work has been somewhat unfulfilling, less meaning, relatively limited to how much i can do. maybe it wasn't really recently that i realised, perhaps it is only now that i realised i've been feeling like this for the past few months. but this isn't what i really wanted. maybe its the wrong avenue, maybe its the wrong atmosphere, maybe its the wrong background.

i love children and i believe that they are one of the God's most beautiful creations.

so why am i feeling this way when i'm working around something that i like? i guess there's one answer to it. this isn't the place God wants me to be in. i know it and i'm feeling upset & frustrated about it cos i don't know where He wants me to be if i'm not where i am now.

but youthnet leaders' meeting tonight gave me a new recharge. a renewal of mind to decide and choose to seek and obey. i asked for a sign if He heard my cries for the past 2 nights. Indeed God is amazing, He assured me by showing the very same sign i asked for during the leaders' meeting.

well i really don't know how long i have to wait to hear of God's plans. the thought of having to wait, to go through the trying moments while waiting and the fear of uncertainty & unknown just cripples me.

But i know that God is good. And even when I don't see His hand, I will trust His heart.

she pens down @ 12:43 AM --------------------------------------------------------------