Thursday, December 06, 2007

STRESSED and i don't understand why.

as far as i can recall, the only times when i drink coffee are those exam days where i had to make myself stay awake to do more revisions. in other words, i drink coffee only when i'm feeling tensed & stressed with loads on hands.

but lately, i realised i'm practically drowning myself with cup after cup of coffee just to stay up in front of the computer each night. (not that coffee really helps a lot, i'm just psycho-ing my mind that it works very well) trying to plan something purposeful for this new class that i'm taking. older classes come with greater responsibilities. cos it would mean preparing them for primary school. even higher expectations too. and i don't really know how to begin even after consulting a few senior colleagues.

i'm amazed at how some of my colleagues can come up with something interesting for the kids impromptu-ly. whereas i struggle to look through books, pages and countless websites before i could finally find something appropriate. maybe its the lack of experience in this case. it just seems like each time i try harder, it got more difficult because i find myself struggling and competing.

the funny thing is, i've come to realise that i'm competing with nobody. or an invisible somebody. or a little voice saying that i'm not doing enough or not performing up to what i can do.

words of affirmation never seemed to last very long for me. after one whole cycle to push myself further, i come back to the same point of struggling with my low confidence once again. it took me a lot to pull myself to know that i can, but i don't dare. yet i know and i admit, i rely too much on my own strength physically, emotionally and spiritually.

self-inflicted stress i suppose. it just seem like i can't do anything about it. i try to hide each time because i don't want to get upset/hurt/disappointed, neither do i show people who are close to me too. but now i see that i'm not as strong as i think i am.

i was touched by sunday's message and i believe that it was speaking to me. it made me see that i allow my circumstances to hinder and obstruct what i can do, especially in ministry and workplace. and i know that God has to change the way i think and how i feel about myself. most importantly, change my heart for a new love for Him. perhaps i've been dwelling too much on my circumstances that i'm using excuses to hide how i really think and feel.

sometimes i just wish that things in life were that simple, just the way my kids think. just a little hug, a little kiss, a little pat or just simple words like, "don't cry, i am here". with all these little little things, you simply change the world of the little child. but unfortunately not, life isn't like that.

but there's just one thing that i probably need now which will make a world of difference. in which, i first need to ask.

for a renewal of my mind.

"there are 2 things that every soul needs to hear:

1. God loves you.

2. Everything is going to be ok."

these are the probably 2 of the most simple yet powerful things i needed to hear.

look, don't you just love the joy of being so carefree? :)

she pens down @ 12:02 AM --------------------------------------------------------------