Friday, February 23, 2007

i know that i'm weak. sometimes i think that i'm not capable of fulfilling the responsibilities in my ministry. often i ponder upon my inability and being insufficiently equipped enough to carry on with entering into others' lives.


is this what we call self-inferiority or self-consciousness? it seems to me that suddenly there were more expectations of what i am supposed to do. i feel like i'm struggling to keep up with these demands. does it mean that i don't trust the Holy Spirit? or am i just allowing the evil one to tell me that i'm not up to it?


the Bible tells us that we need to submit to our leaders and those in authorities. yet sometimes our leaders give us responsibilities by asking us to take them up. you see, they ask "would you like to ..?". it seems like a choice, but it is kind of ironic. even if you say no, they challenge you to take it up.


i guess when they tell you to do certain things, they know that you can hold that amount of responsibility and all the other things that come along the way. i don't deny that sometimes they do know you better than who you want to see yourself as. meaning, they reveal and surface up parts of yourself which you may not really like. because sometimes they do see through to who and how you really are.


it is scary at times. but i don't deny that it is good because you get yourself on track and not run away from the things you would like to escape from. our leaders do make us better people whether we like it or not.


well, i know that i do submit obediently. but the problem is, there are occasions where i do it out of fear. ask me again, fear of what? i seriously don't know. it is not so much about turning down my leaders. it is just that when they say to do this or that, i'll just do it. no questions asked.


maybe i just don't dare to say no. maybe i give in too easily. maybe because i know that even when i say no, i'll still be obliged to take up the challenge. maybe just for that good girl image.


sometimes the truth hurts. sometimes i just don't want to think about who or how i really am.


yet i thought, maybe i'll just wait for God to convict my heart. then i paused again.


because even to wait is a choice that i can make.


i start to despair over my lack of faith. my lack of trust. my lack of confidence. my lack of courage.


how do i then pray to ask of the Lord when i'm unconvicted of my own heart?


sigh. i don't know, really.

she pens down @ 12:24 PM --------------------------------------------------------------